About Steve

My story

My journey began as a trauma and hospice chaplain. I quickly learned that in order to help people in the worst moments of their life, I had to know what was bubbling under the surface in me: my fears, assumptions, exhaustion, anger. If I didn’t, those things would bubble up and infect my ability to connect with people when they needed it the most. The counter intuitive life lesson: if I want to deeply connect to God and others, I must connect to myself.

The head chaplain introduced us to a revolutionary way of seeing anxiety spread in individuals and groups known as Family Systems Theory. The theory was founded by Murray Bowen and the chaplain was one of Bowen’s students. He studied alongside Ed Friedman and other famous Bowen Theorists and was generous to show us the power of anxiety management in this theory.

I was immediately hooked and began to integrate this understanding of anxiety patterns through the lens of the Gospel. The theory made so much sense of my experience and gave me a way to know myself better. I was surprised at how often I would infect a situation with my own assumptions and expectations. When I used this theory, I could walk into high pressure, extreme pain and ambiguity and still be fully present to God and the people in the room. After chaplaincy I went to graduate school where I completed a masters degree focused on theology, systems theory and systemic poverty.

As I became a lead pastor, I was surprised to discover how intentional I had to be about anxiety management. Lead Pastoring should not be as traumatic as hospital chaplaincy, but I found myself having to go from knowing a theory to building a rule of life for myself - an intentional set of practices to overcome the massive pressures I was facing inside myself and coming at me from others. The unrelenting sermon deadlines, my need to impress, the criticism, the breadth of skill required for the role and dozens of other anxiety forces that kept me spinning and spiraling after hours. I increased my research and most importantly, my intentionality to forge simple tools that I could use every day to flip the power dynamic of anxiety.

I focused as much on group anxiety as my own. Anxiety is infectious and it spreads if we don’t intervene. I began to notice common anxiety generators in relationships: triangles, double binds, rigid communication and more. Anxiety spreads in groups and often the most anxious person in the room holds the most power. This can look like having to have the last word, minimizing someone’s experience, asking loaded open ended critical questions. Dozens and dozens of anxiety generators.

I also saw that Anxiety has a gospel message and it is always bad news: ‘try harder, do more of the same, you are stuck, you should know better by now, if everyone knew….’

I unintentionally put my trust in that gospel far too often.

Several years into lead pastoring, I wondered why the love, freedom and peace of Christ that I proclaimed to others was so elusive for myself. I told others God loved them, I struggled to experience God’s love for myself. It was time to dig deeper. I engaged in more brave work, deeper study of my assumptions and fears. I learned to pay attention to expectations - my own and others. I noticed recurring, predictable patterns: how the same few people generate so much trouble for the rest of us. I dug deep into my own core belief system.

In 2012 I officially integrated my learning and experiences in a year long class for our staff. I still teach that class today and we now have several staff who coach and teach with me.

In 2019, Harper Collins published my book Managing Leadership Anxiety: Yours and Theirs which I thought was the culmination of my learning. It turned out to be just the beginning of an amazing new chapter.

In 2024, I release The Expectation Gap where I apply the science of reactivity to our very personal faith journey.

Now people from all over the world ask me to speak, host workshops and join their organization to help their people integrate emotional and spiritual health through my tools.

You can do what I did - intense chaplaincy, a grad degree, two decades of personal study and integration, create a class, refine it for eight years, write a couple of books OR you can take advantage of all my hard work that I have now developed into a path that anyone can walk. You can experience the same deep transformation I have.

I am over twelve years into formally teaching these tools and I have helped tens of thousands of people in 21 countries notice, name and move through core anxiety dynamics in themselves and their people. You can get relief from long term stuck patterns and enjoy emotional and spiritual health.

Official stuff

Masters of Divinity, 2001. Hebrew Scriptures, Systems Theory and Systemic Poverty.

1600 Supervised Hours in Clinical Pastoral Education. 1996, 1997. University of Tennessee Hospital, Knoxville, Tennessee. Supervisor: Peter Keese.

Spiritual Care Professional, Association of Clinical Pastoral Education.

Ordained in the Independent Christian Churches.

Most important stuff

I was privileged to grow up in Perth, Western Australia, in an adventurous family of origin.

After moving to the United States for theological study, I married Lisa and together we have two sons and a daughter, in whom I take great delight.

When I am not working, you can find me laughing with my family, knee-deep in a trout stream, or trying a guitar I cannot afford at a local music store.